I’m joining Owlhaven and a group of other great bloggers to tell my love story for October. This is Part Four, the last one of mine. For more stories check out the comments under each of Owlhaven’s installments.
When he told me that he wasn’t ready to get married, it felt like a huge hand was squeezing the breath out of me and silently the tears streamed down my face. As I shook free of the shock, anger was quickly taking its place. What kind of thing was this to do? Why didn’t he tell me on the phone? I would have never come up here. If he didn’t love me then it was over. I had much better things to do with my life than get involved with a man who played head games again.
My sisters and my friend K had set up a plane ticket for me to come back home the next day, but for some reason I stayed. We talked and then we talked some more. We went ahead with our plans for the week, all the while this huge problem loomed between us.
Excerpt from my journal (not to be taken literally, just expression)-
“He said in a quiet way that the sun was only another source of heat and he could just as easily get his warmth from a ceramic heater you can buy at walmart for 29.95. I said, I know all about those heaters and they’re not as satisfying as the all over, glowing heat of the sun.”
Another excerpt from my journal-
“Sometimes I feel like I let them draw their little pictures on me and it feels good at first. The tickle of the pencil lead, the smoothness of the stroke. Then they haul out the eraser and I’m thinking “What the [heck] is this? Not again, I didn’t think it would happen again. But there it is, the rub of nevermind. ‘Here’s the ring anyway because I do love you.’ And I’m silent for a moment because all I can think is ‘not enough, not enough’. Well, I know what I have to do.”
I broke up with him and still, I never really left him. I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet. Something in me trusted him. We spent Christmas Eve together up north with his family then drove back south for Christmas Day with mine. He stayed for a few more days then headed back home.
Excerpt from his letter to me-
“The marriage thing scared me to death. I want to be with you, I am afraid of losing you. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me-twice. I have a screwed up view of marriage, I’m afraid of it. I love you and I want you to keep the ring as a gift and as a symbol of our love and commitment to each other.”
There was no doubt that I was taking a big risk, but I trusted him. I suppose it was a bit soon to be talking marriage anyway, so we decided that I would move up there for a short time so that we could live together. Sort of a testing ground to see if we could be together harmoniously in the day to day rather than just weeks here and there with letters and phone calls in between.
He sent me a romantic valentine (ha!)-
Actually, he did send something pretty sweet besides this sassy note. Wildwood Papa does some of the most amazing leatherwork. He crafted a card made of red leather with his message burnt onto the page.
Moving out of my loving parents’ home was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but we all knew I needed to strike out on my own. I packed some clothes and my blue teapot then I headed north to give this man a real chance. Our short time living together in that 30’s bungalow was domestic bliss. We did all the things couples who live in the same town took for granted. We shopped at the Big Bear together, we did our laundry at WP’s parent’s home. We ordered pizza to be delivered and stayed in to watch movies. His friends were welcoming and we did all sorts of fun things together. I especially remember going out to shoot pool and learn the Charleston with T and L.
There was still no question for me as to him being ‘the one’. My love for him grew more luminous each day that we were together. It felt as though I were living in the warm arms of the morning sun, gentle yet exhilerating. The weeks passed and one night, ever the romantic, WP suddenly blurted, “So, let’s do it then. Let’s get married.”
We were married on my birthday at the courthouse with plans for a larger ceremony later. Afterwards, we went to see a movie.
That same year we moved to the south, where we had our larger ceremony in the spring. My parents had a horse farm with the biggest, most beautiful dogwood you’ve ever seen, under which we said vows in our own words. Mama did the flowers, aren’t they amazing?
Since then, here we have been, making our lives together in the wild, wild woods with our sweet little miss, Wildwood Baby. But that is another story!