Journal: Isa, stillness

Today I went to my community meditation group. I had anxiety on the way. I’ve had anxiety for a few weeks now. The physical symptoms are starting to wane since the opening and releasing of my heart chakra last night. It was a guided meditation where we went to our sacred place and a light bring came to us. Joy.  Mine was a dragon, light blue energy dragon. 

He held me with great tenderness. I went up into him, his great pale blue light. Tethered. Baby steps. Then we shifted in my form but in blue energy and slowly drifted down. My dragon didn’t leave me rather we stayed together as one. I went to Joy and slowly took my bodily form again. I asked him his name and thought Ice. Isa. Isa. 


Journal: Hekate

This summer has been brutal, twisting me up inside, challenging me in a thousand ways. I called to Hekate in a bald, ugly moment of despair, the sun beating down on my shoulders and she answered.

I didn’t understand at first, snakes on my pathway through the woods, snakes in my dreams but then a copperhead sat coiled next to the water spigot and I nearly touched her. She was calm, watching me. We moved her to the woods on a pitchfork chariot and later…finally…I decided to contemplate snake energy.

I came across the image of the Wheel of Hekate. Strophalos.

In my dark hour, I called for Hekate and she answered. I called her once before when I was young and stuck in an abusive relationship. I sang to her, a low weird gutteral song as I walked in unfamiliar woods. She comforted me then, but now, over twenty years later I am ready to walk with her.

Journal:The Coming of Fall

Mabon is coming up, the fall equinox and summer will finally be over.

This is a liminal time for me. I have made discoveries and I am moving toward a new understanding of myself.

The courses that I am taking with Sal Jade on Udemy are helping to put the pieces together. I have worked with my gifts haphazardly over the years and now I know that I am mostly clairvoyant because I see images and sometimes symbols. I also think that most of this ability is blocked because I have very little control over it and my dreams are full of unasked knowledge and images of other people’s lives.

I dream about people being murdered, trafficked for sex and I see it in great detail. I dream of their everyday lives too, small things but so detailed. In my dreams, I can recall faces more vividly than I have ever been able to in waking life.

I have walked in the spirit realm to find guidance for myself as well as a few others. I am more comfortable walking there for animals and although I would prefer my gift to be focused on animals, it seems that I dream mainly of humans.

Journal: Past life regression, September 2019

I completed this course on Udemy, Remove blocks to Psychic Power with Past Life Therapy . 

Last night I came to the past life regression part of this very helpful and well crafted course. Her meditation was different than others I’ve done in the past because she helps you pinpoint the life that is causing difficulties and blocks in your present life. To be honest, I was expecting something to do with a a different past life I had been exploring but as I was relaxing and opening my heart to the messages of my Guardians, I suddenly saw a swastika symbol flash behind my eyelids. I was red and black lit up from behind by white light. And my first thought was no, not this. I’ve always felt that I was involved in this war somehow. I’ve had dreams and knowings, and a dear friend, years ago, dreamed of us together, running…fleeing something terrible in this landscape.

I don’t always see a lot when I meditate on past lives. I saw my own legs, thin and grey or maybe grey pants and I was standing by a brick building, reddish with dark grey trim. Suddenly I felt a shock to my forehead and I jerked back involuntarily. It almost brought me out of the meditative state but I knew this was a gunshot. I knew this was the past life that is related to psychic blockages and probably blocks in life in general.

My eldest sister drew the Fox card and I see it as related to this experience. Fox knows when to keep her secrets close and when to be open with the world. I tend to keep my secrets close. I have always been transparent about my spirituality. I have been a witch since I was twenty years old, but I am also reserved and I see the world as a dangerous place for those who live their truth, if their truth doesn’t align with the majority.

While this sort of caution is completely reasonable in this world and even required to survive, I also see it as connected to this past life and I understand how it has held my psychic abilities back.

What I saw in meditation was extremely similar to the Death Wall at Auschwitz Birkenau.  (Yard of Block 11 for image).

This meditation brought a difficult melange of emotions to process. I am still processing them today.

Journal: Kitty Messages

Last night one of my kitties Ivan jumped up on my shoulder while i was about to fall asleep and stuck his paw directly in my ear. I held very still, amused at first then intent on receiving his message. I heard the words “nightingale” and “fresh water” in my head. I waited some more in case there was another message then thought ok, nightingale and fresh water? Oh…nightingale totem and dear boy, you need some fresh water! I found this on Colette Baron-Reid’s site and felt that we can all benefit from this message  “In the darkness of night, Nightingale Spirit sings her song of love and hope, a harbinger of dawn to remind you that the sun will rise again soon. You are so loved, and the illumination song of the Nightingale Spirit calls you to a new level of self-awareness and connection with the Light.”

Journal: Journey to the Underworld

On the new moon I wanted to create, I wanted to make space for magic in my day, but everything I tried was exhausting or got muddled. Finally I gave up and lay quietly for a while. I played Seidrunar by Runahild and closed my eyes, listening and thinking about an Owl painting I had done. I have a plan to start an oracle deck with only birds and call it Messengers of Spirit. Birds keep coming to me, one after another, each with their own beautiful message. I struggle to put their message to words, especially Owl because it is so powerful and mysterious.

I began to dream walk, half asleep, half awake. I saw Owl flying above me and I was a small human or child. A man in a coat leaned down to give me a handful of coins. I didn’t see his face but I knew the coins were for payment to cross into the Underworld. I moved toward the river and suddenly was flying with Owl, swooping along with her, riding her energy.

I was called to the waking world and its responsibilities, but I walked in a fog for nearly an hour since the dream vision had not been completed.

That night, when the house was peaceful, I played Runahild again and called to Owl. She came quickly to me, as though she had been waiting. I tucked up in her feathers and we rode the wind currents silently through the night, flying down into the land of the dead.

She landed in a tree with wide, softly twisting branches and we sat together for a moment while I gathered my courage. I gave her a piece of chicken meat as a thank you for taking me here. Then I glided down from the tree, landing in a clearing. My loved ones who had passed on began to gather near me and while I was happy to see them, I was overcome with sorrow and guilt for things I had done wrong while caring for them, trust I had misused, mistakes I had made or times that I had ignored them or not appreciated them. I began to weep, saying over and over again “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. One particular pain was for the babies I had miscarried, the ones that my body couldn’t carry.

It hurt like twisted, wrenched guts and I doubled over in pain. It was then I started to realize that it wasn’t quite my own pain…I stepped back from it and there before me, on her knees, grey and worn, steeped in shadows was…another me. She rocked on her knees, crying, moaning “I’m sorry” over and over again. I pulled her up onto her feet, turned her to face me and hugged her. I held her close and smoothed her hair down with a gentle hand. Slowly, quietly, she moved into me, melted and disappeared into my spirit until we were just me.

I said goodbye to my loved ones, embraced them all again one more time then flew up to Owl in the tree. I tucked into the feathers on her back, closed my eyes and enjoyed the swooping ride home. When we arrived at my Spirit Portal, my woodland garden, I gave her another piece of meat and thanked her, so grateful to her for the amazing gift she had given me.

Owl had taken me to the Spirit World for a soul retrieval that I didn’t even know I needed. This Shadow part of me was frozen in guilt and pain, reliving all the ways I had let my loved ones down or made mistakes while caring for them. Owl helped me to find this part of me and pull her from perpetual agony, to become whole again. This is her profound and beautiful power, to walk with us in the Darkness, to embrace our Shadows and become Whole…again and again if we need to.

I awoke gently, the music still playing and as I lay there I began to wonder what Seidrunar meant. After looking it up on my phone, I learned that Seidr is shamanistic witchcraft from the Northlands, practiced by the Volva. This is something I need to research more because I can feel Freya and Odin’s call to this.

For now, though I need to simply process this profound journey to the Underworld and sit in gratitude to Owl for her Guidance.

Journal: Smokey Quartz

I finally got my own Smokey quartz point. When I was just a baby witch, knowing my path but not sure how to walk it, a woman came into my life. We sat by the lake in the middle of the night while everyone was partying around us and she took out her special pouch. She carried a turtle amulet, The Spiral Dance and a Smokey quartz stone. I remember holding that stone and feeling so comforted and loved by her gentle energy. She read her favorite parts of the book to me and I remember the moon shining on the water. She left to party with the group but I will always remember the gift of kindness and belonging she gave me that night. Now I have found my own wisdom and winding path, I hope I can be an inspiration like her.

Journal: October Dreaming

Full moon bleeding time october leaves turning, I listen to ocean sounds like sighs on the wind.

I dreamed about a goat, an older red pinto nanny. When I saw her, I took her face in my hands like in the Last Unicorn and heart aching asked her, Where have you been? She looked me in the eye and said, I’ve been here all along.

I dreamed that I was in a ritual to honor Odin. There were three phases of Odin. Before his experience on Yggrasil, during and after. I was walking with the man who was playing the aspect of him afterwards. He was dressed as a Raven Man. We were overwhelmed by the prospect of doing the ritual, it was intense. He took his raven hat off and he was a youngish man, dark haired with a small mouth but full lips. He smiled shyly at me and kissed me very very softly as a way to connect with me, to say that we would do fine.

Journal: Beltaine

Beltaine is a time of celebration…when folks light their candles, dance around the fires and celebrate new life. I love that, it is important because this is also a time of passing for the new ones and even the old ones. Springtime, a joyous and beautiful season that is tinged with death.

It is that beauty and that heady scent of new flowers that will mask the loss of nature’s little ones. The little ones that pass from this world before they even really got a start. That’s how it is though and although there is mourning for those we lost, there is celebration and joy and so much beauty, our hearts can hardly contain it. Besides, there is important work to be done to care for those who did make it, the young ones growing like weeds, the ones who stayed.